2020-03 / there's a mystery afoof
“Vexing. You said this is where you last saw the purported yogurt?”
“Y-yes, it was right here, next to the orange juice,” Marmon sniveled.
“Indeed. Tell me everything you know about the victim,” Officer Pickles said. Author’s note: Officer Pickles was not a real Officer, but she was one of Marmon’s roommates.
“W-well, it was strawberry-”
“That’s quite enough, Marmon,” Clair said from the hallway. Officer Pickles looked up from her little detective notebook thingy to face the new person on the scene.
“Hello. Do you happen to have any information pertaining to this case?” Officer Pickles asked.
“You sure ask a lot of questions for an Officer,” Clair said. “You ought not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“I’m asking the standardized number of questions within the margin of allowance of plus-minus one.” Officer Pickles said.
“THat’s what they all say,” Clair spat. She turned around and disappeared further into the house.
“It seems there is a mystery afoot, Marmon. And it’s much bigger than your yogurt,” Officer Pickles said.
“What? Are you sure?”
“Yes, it’s my Officer Instincts that are telling me. We need to question the entire house.”
Interview I: Mick Mack
“I don’t think you should be reading those mystery books any more, Officer Pickles,” Mick Mack said.
“They’re not books, they’re visual novels. Now answer the question—where were you at the time of the crime?” Officer Pickles asked.
“And when was that?” Mick Mack counter-asked.
Officer Pickles’ eyes went wide with shock. She made a note on her notepad.
“Have we ruled out the possibility that Marmon just ate it and forgot. It wouldn’t be the first or even fifth time,” Mick Mack said.
“Thank you for your contribution Mick Mack, but I am the Officer here. You can leave the deducing to me.”
“Okay”
Interview II: New Person
“So, a little birdy told me you’re pretty new around these parts, New Person,” Officer Pickles said.
“Yes. I am. You helped me move in last week, remember?”
Officer Pickles tsked. “You forget yourself. You have no right to access my memory, New Person. I’d be careful if I were you…”
“Can you call me my name… I’ve told you my name like 10 times…”
Officer Pickles scribbled furiously on her notepad. “Two unauthorized requests to peer into my memory banks…” she murmured. She looked up to face New Person. “That’s quite forward of you.”
“I’m leaving”
Interview III: Clair
“You better stay out of this! I’m warning you! I won’t answer your demeaning questions! I won’t sit and take this abuse!”
“She hasn’t even asked you anything,” Mick Mack said, arms crossed.
“What are you doing here?” Clair asked.
“Quiet.” Officer Pickles commanded. “He’s my deputy for today. He’s doing a good job in his cute little deputy hat.”
“It is cute…” Clair conceded reluctantly.
“Why did you take the yogurt?” Officer Pickles pressed.
Clair gasped. “I would never. I can’t stand the stuff. He buys Gogurt, for God’s sake!”
“You would do well to be truthful here. I can’t promise the safety of you or any of your little friends otherwise.”
“This whole system is corrupt,” Clair said, venom in her voice. “I have nothing to say.”
Back in the Kitchen
“So that’s it? It’s just gone without a trace?” Marmon asked.
“No, Marmon. The first rule of being an Officer-slash-Detective is that there’s always an explanation,” Officer Pickles said.
“What is it then? What’s the explanation?”
Officer Pickles smiled and sinister background music started playing. “I ate it,” she said.
“Y-you… you what?”
Officer Pickles grabbed Marmon by his head. “I. Ate. It. Marmon.”
“Why would you do that?”
Officer Pickles laughed. “It’s quite simple, my dear Holmes. I am a detective. But without a mystery afoot, what am I to detect?” Marmon began to cry. “Would you have me be purposeless, Marmon?,” Officer Pickles spoke over his sobs. “For what, a paltry serving of Gogurt?” Officer Pickles released Marmon’s head. “Mystery solved, Marmon. I’m the Sherlock once again, Marmon. It’s me.”
“Okay,” Marmon said through tears.
“Say it Marmon. Say I’m the Sherlock.”
“Y-you’re the Sherlock.”
“Good. Now go to your room, Marmon. You’re grounded.”
Marmon sniffled. “Okay,”
the end